Valley Of The Bats

Right, then. What to say to all these moaning minnies who keep emailing me about this blog’s alleged ‘Oxford bias’? – apart from suggesting they’re probably the same dead-end dickheads who spent last year emailing me about its supposed ‘Edinburgh bias’? Never satisfied, some people.

In point of fact I don’t give a stuffed weasel about either of those poxy, overrated Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-holes.

The only place I care about is Batley, Yorkshire, and to prove it we’re going to have a special Batley Month on Toasty’s Futon, revelling in the North Country delights that swivel around me in all directions as I sit here proudly in Batley, Yorkshire, which is where I am, as I’m sure we all agree.

For example, did you know that Batley is the second biggest town in the Heavy Woollen District?

Now, be honest here: could you name the biggest town in the Heavy Woollen District?

Course not. Nor could I. Which just goes to show that Batley punches more than its weight, doesn’t it?

Were you aware that the word ‘Batley’ derives from an Anglo-Saxon name meaning either valley or homestead of bats or, alternatively, the homestead (or, presumably, valley) of a person named Batt?

Come to that, is your name Batt?

If so, then who knows, perhaps this was originally your valley (or homestead, or whatever). But for your own daft reasons you unwisely chose to naff off, so it’s mine now, and don’t come crying to me asking for it back, either.

Furthermore, it’s time you all got it into your heads that by 1870 Batley was the centre of the shoddy trade, which involved turning rags into something even more boring than that, so boring in fact that no one ever managed to stay awake long enough to find out what it was.

This was the foundation of the town’s enduring prosperity, and the only reason the government injected £37.5 million into Batley between 1993 and 1998 was that they were very silly people with more cash than sense, and NOTHING to do with Batley not having two bent ha’pennies to rub together after people found out that shoddy was a load of, well, need I go on?

These are just some of the brain-rupturingly interesting facts about Batley, Yorks, and don’t give me any of that ‘You’re not really in Batley’ stuff because look, here’s the Batley Town Centre Webcam, and there’s me, right there, just in front of the Old Town Hall, waving my invalidity card at you, only you probably can’t see me due to the ongoing riot, smog, and camera malfunction.

And here’s the website of the Batley Buggy Club, and as you can see they’re looking for someone to write their ‘New To Racing’ section (‘Fancy yourself as a bit of a writer?’) so off you go then, don’t mind me, and isn’t that a better use of your time than sending me all these emails with dead polecats attached to them, hmm?