Pun Watch Extra

IT’S exactly 160 years since Karl Marx established the Communist Correspondence Committee (and most of their letters still haven’t arrived, due to industrial action).

What better way to celebrate than by Googling on ‘You have nothing to lose but your…’?

Among the stragglers, Danes, drains, grains, Janes and sprains are all wholly pathetic, with one hit each. Rains and trains clock up two, manes three, reins four, and gains five, but this isn’t the sort of showing we expect from a crew of brawny young unfunny puns who’ve always had a good diet and a supportive home.

Stains does better with ten, canes is finding its length with eleven, veins getting into its stride with thirteen and pains going for the burn with fourteen.

But alas, alas, we all knew how this was going to end, didn’t we? Way out in front – leaving every rival panting in the dust – protruding like the proverbial luminous sore thumb with rigor mortis – is the inevitable BRAINS.

Ha flipping pigging chiselling ha. No wonder everything’s being overrun by militant Islam.

As for such non-runners as cranes, Hussains, lanes, mains, McLeans, panes, plains, planes, refrains, reigns, skeins, Staines, strains, thanes, Twains, vanes, wains, Waynes and Zanes, I don’t know whether to be glad we don’t have to put up with them or sad that there’s so little originality left that people can’t even come up with puns that are merely halfway obvious.

Perhaps this barrel of absinthe will help me decide.
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EDINBURGH NEWSWHINGE
PLANS to develop student flats just a spliff’s throw from the popular nightclub Studio 24 have been given the go-ahead.

I think this is disgraceful.

The poor nightclub won’t be able to get a wink of sleep.