Are you a FLOBB?

If so, we may be related!

My real name is Denzil Patric Nigeletta Flobb born 13th February 1951 in a marsh in Chiselhurst Kent while my parents were on the run from the Triads.

My father Adolf Felicity Flobb died shortly after midnight on 14 February 1951 from natural causes related to a hail of bullets. He lies in an unmarked grave in this Tupperware box.

My mother Hysteria Djanogly Flobb was originally a Chevenix-Trench but when they ran out of Chevenix she retrained as an industrial canal. She had siblings Gussie (died 1920) Linthropp (died 1921) Ebenezer (moved to San Francisco, changed name to Chip Shaft, died 1976 of terminal Magnum-type-moustache-itis) Euphemia (died of being called Euphemia, possibly in 1981 but no one was taking much notice) and Janice (now Perpetual President of the Multi-Global Greed Corporation, hi there Auntie you don’t look a day over 28 and I’ve always respected your values). My mother now lives under this stone.

Since my recent serious illness (having unwisely attempted to read The Journals of Rayner Heppenstall) I have become very interested in family history and also genealogy and moreover would like to compile a family tree of everyone who is in any way related to my family or even not.

So if you’re a Flobb – on whichever side of the blanket – why don’t you get in touch with me giving as much detail as possible of how we’re related and how many gold bars you’re going to leave me in the event of your sudden and unforeseen demise?

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(REAL) DEATHS IN NOVEMBER 2005

16 November: Ralph Edwards, who persuaded the town of Hot Springs, New Mexico, to change its name to ‘Truth or Consequences’. 17 November: Sam, awarded the title of World’s Ugliest Dog for three consecutive years, 2003-5. 28 November: Professor D R Shackleton Bailey, whose ten-volume edition of Cicero’s letters was dedicated to a cat.
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One extra death that’s rather too real for comfort: Marty Stoetzle, better known as Zen Clown, that most assiduous and dedicated of contributors to Ask A Drunk and Mindless Prattle, passed away on December 20th. He was 59.

A Hindu poem he often used to include in his emails:

Sometimes naked, sometimes mad.
Now the scholar, now the fool.
Thus they appear on Earth:
The free men.

Too right. Rest in peace my dear sir.

P.S. (3 Jan 06) In memory of happier times, here’s the thread on which Zen Clown resigned from Mindless Prattle in January last year.

Colin the Chameleon

Everyone’s aware – and we’ve just been over to Mongolia and quizzed four hundred nomadic tribespeople and yes, we do mean ‘everyone’ – that Colin Dexter pops up somewhere in every episode of Inspector Morse.

But can you always spot him?

Here’s Toasty’s Futon’s exclusive (i.e., nobody else wanted to publish it) guide to every single glimpse we get of Colin Dexter, Man of a Thousand Faces.

Episode 1, ‘The Botley Stiffs’: Old man with white beard eating butterscotch in Duke Humfrey’s Library.

Episode 2, ‘The Tell-Tale Empties’: Special constable with axe embedded in lung.

Episode 3, ‘Nor Ever Chaste, Except You Ravish Me’: Distinguished-looking man at High Table in Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Episode 4, ‘Death Just Outside Kidlington’: Chaplain of Saint Diddumses (in Hamburg nightclub sequence).

Episode 5, ‘Don’t You Think You’ve Had Enough, Sir?’: Afro-haired musician playing Sousaphone in Radcliffe Camera.

Episode 6, ‘Return, Alphéus, The Dread Voice Is Past’: Elderly nun who spits at Morse in street.

Episode 7, ‘The Marble Palaces of Blackbird Leys’: Obese man in jetpack, wearing Motorhead tee-shirt.

Episode 8, ‘Oh Christ, My Head’: Goth shooting up in multi-storey car park.

Episode 9, ‘If Snow Be White, Why Then Her Breasts Are Dun’: Dolly Parton Impersonator at Ashmolean Colloquium.

Episode 10, ‘The Berinsfield Astrolabe’: Small boy smashing Town Hall windows with baseball bat.

Episode 11, ‘That’s Not A Liver, It’s A Cry For Help’: Nude Rastafarian bodybuilder (look closely behind the Vice-Chancellor).

Episode 12, ‘Sphere-Borne Harmonious Sisters, Voice, and Verse’: Leader of Klingon raiding party (this one was rather badly edited).

Episode 13, ‘The Palimpsests of Cowley Marsh’: Heap of pineapples in Covered Market.

Episode 14, ‘My Name’s Endeavour M., And I’m An Alcoholic’: Third pink elephant.

Episode 15, ‘So Rudely Forc’d. Tereu’: Thirty-foot-tall evil robot, running amok in Norrington Room in Blackwell’s.

Episode 16, ‘A Corpse In Can-Anyone-Think-Of-Another-Suburb?’: All members of the Tactical Firearms Unit.

Episode 17, ‘Got Any Spare Change, Superintendent?’: Bela Lugosi lookalike blowing iridescent bubbles whilst riding unicycle, who gets served before Morse in the White Horse and then makes disagreeable noises.

Episode 18, ‘Kicking The Bucket To The Sound Of Trumpets’: Fat lady. (Singing. With evident relief.)

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You may be wondering what’s happened to the five previous postings.

Annoyingly, technical problems have forced us to delete the blog and reinstate it, in the process losing everything posted before today.

The good news is that The Toasty’s Futon Archive is now complete and contains not only all postings from late March to early November this year, but the newly deleted five as well:

Throw Away The Key (1 December)
Today’s Query (29 November)
Eight things I wish I’d known at sixteen (28 November)
Toasty Lundqvist’s Guide to Britain, Part One (27 November)
Streets of fear (26 November)
The Toasty’s Futon Archive shall eternally remain the topmost link on our sidebar.

In other news, it’s a warm welcome back to Jamie4U after six months’ imprisonment and silence…